What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs