What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house