What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.