Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Guantanamo Bae

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.