What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane