What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Trying
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?