What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*