Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

People buying plungers never look happy.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.