*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
How funny!
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo