Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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twitter is a journey
Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I’m confused about plants
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.