what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried