What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*