What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
