Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

My five year plan is a meteorite

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.