Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

any last words?

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home