Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.