Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.