What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I didn’t come here to be called names
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Tastes like chicken.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Jail
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.