Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

me: my friends:

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.