Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

🤣

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

😭😭😭

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am