what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.