Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Good morning

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.