“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Fidel Castro was alive?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.