Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

and this one

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Good morning.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.