What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.