What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Cats (2019)
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky