What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”