“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
When your parents check you’re ok.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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