What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
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Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz