Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine