What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Not today
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What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
fired
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.