Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.