What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
🏙👨🏼
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?