Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

File under excellent bookstore names.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

fired

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.