Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

My Sentiments Exactly

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.