What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.