What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!