Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.