What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you