What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.