Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

rise and shine we got egg

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”