Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming