Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

we’re gonna need another temp

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire