What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
This headline is a thing of beauty
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.