Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

based al yankovic

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

getting groceries

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.