what’s in a name?
You Might Also Like
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.