what’s in a name?
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*