‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
