“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*