“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
I’m sure it’s fine.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.