What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?