Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

I have written yet another poem about laundry

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Does it…does it take 3 days