What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?