What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
🤣could you imagine
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.