Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute