What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.