Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

when someone rings the doorbell

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”