What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…