What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Hello Twits.
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Love is in the air fryer.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected