Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Always a metermaid never a meter

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.