Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

Today’s Times

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

stand with me against insufficient seating

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”