Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”