What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.