What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Not recommended for beginners.
my one true gender
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.