Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.