What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.