Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

me before I type out affect or effect

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

choose your fighter

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.