Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Europe. Made in Germany.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

6: are snakes just neck?

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!