Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

The Friday File.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

😂😂

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice