Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

the noise i just made

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great