Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

it takes so much energy

Best seat on the street 😍

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

my dad has had enough