What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Brilliant!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.