Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.