Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Ovenable?

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?