Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

concern

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do