What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.