What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies