Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Bruh 😂

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.