Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

I want to meet the individual who made this

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.