“what’s it like having a sister?”
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.