@cinnamxntxast

“what’s it like having a sister?”

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@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

@mjm866

My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

@StymieBrewer

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@CrockettForReal

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]